6:00 PM - Ready to go. The last time I needed the Colts to lose a game and they did I was rooting the Steelers on in the divisional round. For today's game I have busted out the same pants, the same undershirt, and the same all black shirt. The difference? Of course the Saints hat which dons my head. A few quick facts about this hat:
- It was purchased by me, in the Ft. Wayne Mall on a youth group trip to see Ft. Wayne Hockey.
- It was purchased for the singular reason that Mike Ditka was the head coach of the New Orleans Saints at that point.
- It journeyed with me to the Gulf Coast a record nine times for relief trips, and has the sweat of all those trips and all that work built into it.
6:05 PM - Nantz and Simms just told us that Freeney will play. Not a big surprise there ... what kind of wuss would you have to be to not even take the field in your championship game. I mean, even Colt McCoy managed to get onto the field before taking himself out for fear that his draft position would drop. Still, I'm hard pressed to believe that Freeney will be anything other than a side note in this game. A level three sprained ankle, by definition I've been told, involves torn ligaments. Freeney's game is based on speed. Seems like a bad combo to me.
6:09 PM - Just turned the surround sound system on; wow this thing is impressive. In other news, we are now meeting the NFC Champions, the team of God, and of all things good ... the New Orleans Saints. I will now spend the next few minutes praying while the come onto the field. Please God, I need this ...
6:10 PM - The Saints entering to the Chicago Bulls old music, as Wiese correctly notes. That has GOT TO BE a good sign, right? I'm now pumped. Wiese points out that you can't hear the players speak in their intro video clip. "Some guy is gonna get fired at CBS" he says. "We're back" is the only thing I can hear from it. Hopefully for the last time, jackass. "Those *ers. They don't deserve to have The Who playing for them" Wiese says. I think he's just watching this game for the halftime show.
6:16 PM - Macho Nachos are sitting next to me, an Old Style in hand ... I think I'm about as ready for this as I can be. My phone is even cooperating; it's almost dead, making it impossible for all the annoying Colts fans I know to inundate me with "Go HORSE," or "Go BLUE," or "Go Manning Family threesome" texts. I made one of the three of those up, but you get the point: Colts fans suck. My buddy Dave said, upon returning from a conference in Indy this week, "I get it now. Colts fans are ungodly annoying. I get why you hate them."
And the finalists for the Walter Payton Man of the Year award are: London Fletcher, Mike Furrey, and Brian Waters. And the winner is: Brian Watters, Guard Kansas City Chiefs. I'm glad people haven't forgotten Sweetness; not just the fact he was the greatest ever, but also the fact he was such an amazing man. Queen Latifa is singing, back in a minute.
6:20 PM - Not raining in Miami this time around. Seriously, if before Super Bowl XLI you had given me odds on the Bears winning if it was raining, I would have pounded "yes." I will now go beat myself in the head with my NFC Championship hat ...
As Carrie Underwood sings there is a shot of Jim Caldwell and Peyton Manning. Manning blinked three times, Caldwell zero. The real coach and the cadaver. Uncanny. I bet he won't blink when they dump the Gatoraide on him. Wiese's phone rings. "Who dares disturb me during the national anthem?" He then suggests that A) we should have our cat sing the next national anthem, and B) that the next M. Night Shamalyn movie will probably suck. "I remember when I saw 'The Happening'" Wiese says. "Boy that movie really shit the bed."
6:25 PM - The first winning commercial of the night? Larry Legend stealing LeBron's McDonalds as he and Dwight Howard do a dunk off. Proving once again that the older you get the smarter you get. Coin Toss time ... but first a shot of Emmit "I have to play football until I break a record because I'm so self absorbed" Smith. Saints win the toss and screw up: they choose to receive, and I think you wanted to give Manning the ball. "I'm sure they must have discussed it" my Mom says." True, but they didn't ask me.
6:30 PM - IU alumni Courtney Roby returns the kick, and we are underway. In other news, we have a fantasy football championship to decide tonight as well. All kinds of things going on. Saints punt after passing deep on 3rd and 2. "I Don't understand why you don't run there" Dad says. Courtney Roby with a great tackle again; GO HOOSIERS.
6:35 PM - Listen to those Saints fans!!! WHO DAT? Manning, that's who: over the middle without any issues to Dallas Clark. Dad is all over the fantasy football stats. Colts are moving without any issues.
6:38 PM - Roman Harper has had a couple of big plays so far. Manning under pressure, finds Collie for a big gain. If the Saints aren't careful this game will be over pretty quick.
6:42 PM - Jim Caldwell makes Lovie Smith look like Bobby Knight; seriously man, get excited! You're about to win the Super Bowl! In other news, my dad wonders why Peyton Manning hasn't thrown to Devery Henderson yet. I inform him that it may be because Henderson plays for the Saints. Colts FG; my Mom says "well I thought that was going to be worse." Gotta love being in a Saints only environment. Now my parents are laughing at Snickers commercials. Gotta love them.
6:45 PM - And ... THAT was the big "Tim Tebow is going to cause women to die because abortions won't be legal anymore" commercial? I just want this debate to end... Roby fumbles, Saints recover. Let's go Saints.
6:46 PM - Wow Bears ... wow. Super Bowl Shuffle for Boost Mobile? Can we just get Richard Dent into the hall of fame so that he has some pride? Saints get a first down ... thank God. "Only because of the fact the Saints needed that first down" my Dad says while applauding. Bush is on the other guys team for this fantasy football thing. Gotta love it.
6:50 PM - Colston just DROPPED that ball. Man. I could have caught that ball. 3rd and long for the Saints ... Saints to punt. Here's to hoping that Greg Williams has some new ideas to stop Manning on this next drive. Another spectacular special teams play by Roby as we head to commercial.
6:55 PM - Joe Addai is slicing the Saints D up, and even though the drive started inside the 5 the Colts are quickly to midfield. This Saints defense looks as soft as expected, but missing the opportunity to score on the first two possessions is what will kill this team. Addai busts another huge run up the middle. Shades of the Denver - Atlanta Super Bowl from 1998. May not even be a game.
7:00 PM - "I hate watching Manning ... I really do" my Mom says. She calls him a "fidgity ass. I love my mom. TD Indianapolis. Shit. Shades of 98 and 95 all over again. I don't think New Orleans is going to be capable of stopping Peyton. To say that I hate him would be a firm understatement.
7:05 PM - I note that the Saints need a TD now or this game will be over. My mom says "normally this is where I'd say that it's early, but I think you're right." We've officially reached my first hat toss of the night, following a phantom holding call on the Saints, backing them up to the ten. And the end of the 1st quarter sees a Colts 10 - Saints 0 score.
7:10 PM - CBS is proclaiming itself the "network of the decade?" I think that wins the Winston Wolf memorial "let's not start sucking each other's Popsicles yet" award. Great catch by Colston. Come on Saints.
7:12 PM - My dad perfectly calls the late hit and explains why it was called that why while my mom says "give me my scissors" while seeing the long hair of a Colts defender. They are certainly one of a kind. Pierre Thomas with a couple of plays that make it seem like he just wants it. In other news, we've finally had a Devery Henderson sighting.
7:17 PM - Freeney sacks Brees. Will someone just kick him in the ankle? Long FG here ... good. Come on Saints D. "Right here is where we could use Peyton Manning having his legs separated from his shoulder blades" my Dad retorts.
7:20 PM - Letterman and Leno quite simply nailed that commercial. Well done by Jay going on CBS making fun of himself. And now we have back to back commercials with fat guys in no pants ... and Favre at 50. That salvaged it.
7:25 PM - Go time for the Saints D, let's see if they can do it. Great stop on 2nd and 1 by Jon Vilma, sticking Addai in the backfield. And, courtesy of a drop by Pierre Garcon we have our first 3 and out for the Colts tonight. Thank God. That drop was almost worse than the Colston drop. The Dove for Men commercial is awesome "BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN!!!"
7:30 PM - "I'm Peyton Manning derp de derp." Wiese doesn't even follow football, and even he can see how much of a tool Manning is. Now he's back to his research on Keith Moon. We have now officially crossed into a point where my dad is celebrating after every point our fantasy team picks up for me so that I can just sulk and focus on my Peyton Manning Voodoo doll. Saints are up around midfield after a great catch by Shockey. Wiese is waxing poetic on The Dark Knight and The Shining. Life is good. And then we get a reverse? Why would you run a reverse against this defense? Go up the gut; the Colts are soft. Thats how you beat them!
7:35 PM - False start at the three ... damn. Saints now face 2nd and goal from the 8. Now 3rd and 1 ... at the 2 minute warning. We are in trouble here, because Manning will get the ball back, with 3 time outs, and roughly 2 minutes left. The Saints must push this ball in, because the Colts will probably get at least a field goal here. And, due to the aforementioned stupid decision to take the ball at the start of the game, the Colts have the chance for back to back scores. I feel sick.
7:40 PM - Mike Bell falls down, and now we've got 4th and goal from about the 2. Stupid call; why run a stretch play to the outside against a fast defense. Use power, run right up the gut. They should have gone with a QB sneak. Saints are going for it. Shit. Colts stuff Pierre Thomas, and here comes Peyton Manning. My dad and I are in agreement that running two straight off tackle plays was stupid. The entire Saints offensive line was across the goal line on that last one.
7:45 PM - Reggie Bush steps in for the punt return. And Reggie goes East to West again, gaining nothing. HUGE catch by Henderson though, and the Saints may well salvage a field goal here. Let us pray. Field Goal ... GOOD! Half time; time for a break.
8:20 PM - Wiese's expert analysis of The Who's performance "they're old dude." My dad and I did our instant analysis of the game thus far. We've decided that:
A) we have lost about four points in the first half in our fantasy football league, but are still hanging tough.
B) The Saints managed to take control of the 2nd quarter, and missing on the TD might not have been a killer as it kept Manning from doing his patented end of half drive.
C) The first possession will be huge for the Saints D
Additionally, I noted that the game would probably turn into a shootout in the 2nd half, and that the first defense to force a key turnover would probably be the team to win. Also, you can't ever state enough how much the extended halftime of the Super Bowl messes with a team's rhythm. That isn't good for New Orleans, who ended the half having run all but 6 of the plays in the 2nd quarter.
8:25 PM - Here comes the second half. For the time being it is down to just Wiese and I. Sorry, I'm back now. I just shit myself due to that onside kick call. Sean Payton, congrats. You win the "biggest balls in the room" award. That's why they took the ball at the start of the game. I get it now.
8:27 PM - Everyone is back in the room. My dad called Saints ball before I did due to being on a non satellite connection. Gotta love technology. What a huge momentum swing. TD Saints, Pierre Thomas on a screen. Peyton Manning now gets the chance to do what he has done all year: come from behind in the 2nd half of a close game. But the Saints certainly sliced and diced that Colts defense. Whew.
8:30 PM - Colts are driving again, looking like it didn't even bother them that they didn't have the ball for more than 6 plays in the last 70 minutes. Midfield already. 3rd down and a spectacular throw from Manning to Clark. He is so good. Over 3 defenders.
8:37 PM - Now down inside the ten, this is why Manning is so good. Without blinking he drives the field. First and goal from the four ... Addai TD. If it had to be a Colts TD I'm glad it was Addai.
8:40 PM - OK, Saints serve now. So far my shootout prediction has been spot on. Wiese notes that the new elephant that my parents got my nephew looks like a crack addict. He does. He also sings and dances. And moves his ears. "It sounds better than The Who." My dad cracks.
8:45 PM - Saints ball after a decent return from Roby. The Saints are staying with Pierre Thomas, finally a team that utilizes the ground game against the Colts. It's important for the Saints to score here. They are at midfield, then a first down at the Colts 36. DeVery Henderson is looking VERY good.
8:50 PM - Manning is lecturing his offense ... 3rd and 7 now. Short again, but the pickup of 4 makes it a field goal attempt ... GOOD!!!!!! Garret Hartley is looking golden thus far. "The Saints D needs a stop now" Dad says. Agreed, agreed.
8:52 PM - Great coverage by the Saints special teams as they pin the Colts to the ten. A promising start to the drive. Now let's see if they can finally put Mr. Manning on his rear end.
8:55 PM - Manning moves the team out to the 25 without any issues. The 3rd quarter is already winding down. Seems like it just started. This still isn't where we want to be, but at least we got to see Peyton stomp his feet like a little girl over not getting the snap off in time.
9:00 PM - Start of the 4th ... we open with a huge gain across the middle to Pierre Garcon. Colts are to midfield again. Colts now face a 4th and 2 in the 40s and THE COLTS GET IT. Ugh. This is another reason why I hate the Colts. Manning is so good.
9:05 PM - 3rd and long ... again. Let's see if we can hold them. Manning audibles and throws incomplete. I can't believe that Stover is going to kick a 50 yard FG ... and they shouldn't have. Wiese is talking about Beyonce "she be got it goin' on, you know what I'm sayin'?" Gotta love The Wiese.
9:10 PM - My mom asks if I remember when Manning came into the league, and The Wiese asks her if she is really my mother. Priceless getting this group together. Some high quality Pierre Thomas and Devery Henderson pick ups here. My mother has now moved back to the couch by me to help keep me cool. Brees is dinking and dunking beautifully, showing super accuracy. This is just a reminder that he is the only Purdue Alumni to ever receive a full pardon by me. This happened last year, after he helped my dad and I to finish second in both the regular season and the playoff redraft of our fantasy football league.
9:15 PM - Brees is close to the completion record already. Inside the five, and a TD to Shockey. That's why you don't give the opposing team the ball at the 41 instead of pooch punting inside the ten. Love it. Now the 2pt conversion, and it is ruled incomplete on the field, and Phil Simms calls it incomplete. Well, my friends, Simms is a moron. Moore has it, it crosses the plain of the goal line, which is all it has to do. I'm sure the Saints will review, but we go to commercial.
9:17 PM - We come back from commercial and now get to decide if this officiating crew is a bunch of morons or not. This is clearly a 2pt conversion. This is a huge moment in this game. Simms is now trying to back out. Just say that your wrong Phil. And the crew overturns it. 2pt conversion is good. New Orleans baby! 5:42 left in the game.
9:20 PM - My mom says she sees horns growing out of Peyton's head. Gotta love my supporting cast tonight. Here's a big round of applause to them; they're probably the only group of people in America brave enough to watch a Super Bowl involving the Colts with me.
9:23 PM - Colts ball at the 30, you can hear the Saints fans going nuts, and the Colts false start. Manning picks up 17 to Garcon, then Malcolm Jenkins nearly picks one off. Come on Saints.
9:25 PM - Manning back to Garcon, across the middle, and the Colts are back to midfield. He is tearing them up ten to fifteen yards at a time. While we break for for a Saints injury my Dad celebrates that Manning is having to get up off his rear finally; I point out that Peyton probably flopped Vlade Divac style to try to draw a roughing the passer.
9:30 PM - 3rd and 5 for the Colts ... PICKED OFF BY TRACY PORTER!!!!!! AND THE CROWD GOES WILD FOR THE HOOSIER PICK SIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I could have ever asked for more. I will now order a Tracy Porter Jersey. It is going to happen. I will be rocking a Tracy Porter Jersey soon. I love that man.
9:32 PM - "Gotta love the Indiana Hoosier with the INT for TD" texts Bowser. Indeed sir. Indeed.
9:35 PM - Manning is barking out orders, less than 3 minutes left. Saints call a time out due to confusion. Clark is toughing it out, but he's hurt. A questionable catch by Collie over the middle to say the least. I am outvoted by the team who all says it's a catch. I don't believe it is. But then again I do suffer from a rare condition that causes me to always think the Colts suck and miss on plays.
9:40 PM - Late hit on the Saints? Yup. What a moron. The Saints are TRYING to get the Colts into the game. Flag on an INTERCEPTION ... oh please God ... Interference ... no INT. Addai down to the 3. This is the Peyton we know and love with these couple bad throws, but this game isn't over til the fat lady sings. 2nd and goal. Incomplete hitting the goalpost. Can't really remember that I've seen that happen before.
9:45 PM - 3rd and goal ... Addai ... NO! 4th and goal, 1 minute to go. I'm starting to believe it may happen. INCOMPLETE SAINT WIN!!!
...
Well, not yet, but it's done. "I'll tell you this, even the 'great' Manning can't pull this out" says my Dad. Yes. Saints win.
A special thanks to the entire team who helped me through this tough moment in life: my mom, my dad, and The Wiese. I'd also like to give credit to the cracked out elephant who sat in front of me from the moment my dad brought him down here, and stared at me. The Wiese tried to move him once but I asked him not to because it was good luck. Good job elephant.
And so, sports fans, disaster has been avoided. Good prevailed over evil. And we have seen the return of the Manning Face. Thanks for reading along.
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