Why I Don't Write Anymore - Shades of Grey

I've been thinking about this blog post for sometime, but haven't actually had the opportunity to sit down and write it. I have written on this blog exactly once since 11/16/13, and that post, in early 2015, was part book review and ode to Billy Joel. So as I continued to ponder writing this post, making some type of return to blogging, and pondered these things, it seemed correct that my thoughts came back to a Billy Joel Song.

I've thought quite a bit in the last three years about blogging, and why I stopped doing it. I genuinely enjoy the process of blogging. It is something that brings me a sense of accomplishment, it preserves my thoughts in the off chance that someone else wants to know them, and it gives me the chance to work through things in a structured way. So why did I stop? Why only one post in 34 months?

The easy answer would be that life has changed quite a bit since then. I got married in June of 2013. I graduated from graduate school just prior to that, in May of 2013. I got promoted in August 2013 ... and then again in January of 2015. With the promotions came more responsibilities, more work, the usual excuses. My wife and I welcomed our first born child into this world in August of 2014. The little guy has been an amazing blessing that words cannot express, but kids change things. My wife finished her PhD program in 2015. She bounced around a number of part time employment opportunities before landing her desired full time job as a college professor starting this fall. I started teaching at said University last spring, adding teaching a Master's Degree course to my work load. My wife continued doing the part time work she loves on top of the full time work. We found out she was pregnant last fall, with a due date in the late spring of 2016. We then found out we were having twins. In early 2016 we found out that the twins had both died, and we had to go through that. In the last 34 months people have been born, people have died, people have been married, people have been divorced. Simply put, a lot of life happened.

That would all be the easy excuse. I don't blog anymore because I simply don't have time for it. See how busy I am? That's why I don't do it! That excuse would be convenient, and somewhat true, but after really ruminating on this I don't think it's the major factor.

I turned 30 this year, and have also been thinking a great deal about what that means. Generally speaking, it means very little. It's another arbitrary date, in a sea of arbitrary dates, coming from a past that cannot be changed to a future that's guaranteed to none of us. But in another sense, particularly within the context of my marriage, my son's life, and my career, it feels like a defined epoch. Moving from the first "third" of my life (childhood and adolescence) into the second "third," which might be defined as parenting and working to create the world my wife and I want our family and ourselves to live in. It is certainly optimistic to think that thirty years will be only a third of my life; tomorrow may prove that it could actually be the whole of my life, or medical advances might prove that I'm only a quarter of the way through. But this idea, this context feels right to me.

And so, with that context, as I was mowing the lawn the other night on a riding mower that is around 15 years older than me, I came to a conclusion regarding why I haven't been writing. And it prompted me to want to write. This epoch thing isn't just regarding dividing my life into thirds. It's also a very much coming to grips with my changing world view and view on life in general. A few months ago I wrote my annual "Fantasy Football Manifesto." It was harder than ever before to get "ready" for the fantasy football year. When I wrote an email to the league, I simply asked everyone to stay involved, have fun, and remember that it's just a game. That isn't how I would have perceived fantasy football just a few years ago. Why the difference now? The Bears have been KILLED in two straight games, and I'm not sweating it. A few years ago it would have put me in a funk to start my week. Why the difference?

And so, I came back to this: Billy Joel. On his last album he wrote a song entitled "Shades of Grey." So I am going to use his lyrics to better explain all of this: why I've not been writing, why I'm not as worried about things I used to be, why my worldview is changing.

"Some things are perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth."

So we'll start there. I used to blog a lot, sharing my opinion with whoever wanted to read. That's ultimately what writing in a public forum does. I just finished a book on George H.W. Bush which relied heavily on his own diaries. Now, in a public forum, his thoughts take on a different weight, but they were written or dictated privately. When you post publicly, however, you intentionally putting your opinion out there for others to read, consider, critique, agree with or disagree with.

Bill Simmons, on a recent podcast, was discussing something along these lines. He talked about how he used to write columns driven towards proving a point. At some point he shifted to writing columns to explore an idea, or a sporting event, while giving consideration to multiple points of view. As I listened to the podcast (Simmons is now nearly exclusively an audio/video person, having seemingly given up writing all together), I found his words resonating with me. I may have an opinion, but what makes that opinion valid?

"No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth."

H.W. Bush is, in my opinion, a completely underrated president. In fact, I think you could make a compelling argument that he was the last great president this country has had. That would be a discussion for another day (perhaps, or perhaps I'll go another long stretch without writing). But one aspect of Bush's legacy that makes me raise that possibility is this: he had his principles, but was willing to work across the aisle to get things done. He knew what he thought was right, but was willing to consider the possibility that his point of view wasn't the only point of view. Bush was the last president from The Greatest Generation; perhaps none of this should be that surprising. But while Bush was, undoubtedly, a man of strong moral and philosophical/political values, he didn't pretend to know it all.

Simmons spoke to the same concepts when talking about his shifting viewpoints on a number of things, from gender rights to concussions in the NFL. I've always been an opinionated person. I like to debate, I like to study topics, and I love to "prove" I'm right. But what makes me right? What makes my point of view the truth? At one point I was able to push through any doubt on that which might have been there, but anymore I hesitate. I know what's "true" to me, but that does not in any way make it "true" for you.

"These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for. My faith is falling away; I'm not that sure anymore."

In some ways, I feel the exact opposite of this line. I know exactly what I'm "fighting for" now, perhaps much more so than ever before. I'm getting up every day, first and foremost, to continue to invest in and nourish my relationship with my wife and child. They are what I'm fighting for first. My job is important to me too; I'm fighting, each day, at work to help improve services for kids in our state. I'm trying to find ways to improve our programs. In either of these cases, I'm fighting to make myself a better man.

Before, I probably felt like I was fighting for something else. To be heard. To be right. To prove to others what they should do. That has begun to fall away. But as it has, the reality is that my faith has strengthened because I've come to a singular reality: I'm the person that needs to improve. If I can become a better man, by extension I'll be a better husband to my wife, a better father to my son, a better supervisor to my employees. Relying on faith is the way that I've found it possible to do that.

"Shades of grey wherever I go. The more I find out, the less that I know."

This is, ultimately, a main reason for my lack of blogging in the last 34 months. I know that I'm "smarter" now than I was 34 months ago. I haven't stopped reading, studying, learning and asking others to help me learn more. But as I've learned more, the more that I've come to the reality that what I know is dwarfed by what I don't know. Put another way, I know just enough about astronomy and astro-physics to know how little I know. Perhaps that's the reality of working with kids, with human beings. We can have the best treatment models in the world, and each person will respond to it differently.

"Now with the wisdom of years I try to reason things out. And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts. Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for. I won't be righteous again. I'm not that sure anymore."

So here is my brief take as well as conclusion. Look at our political environment right now. Look at our ongoing presidential election race. We have two people who are seemingly unable or unwilling to have doubts. Clinton versus Trump. Donald has even gone as far as to say that "only" he can fix what is "wrong" with our country. Hillary simply just lies. I cannot fathom supporting either of them, yet that's the choice that our system gave us. I cannot fathom how anyone could support either of them, yet I frequently hear from people "how could you support x, you've got to support y, what's wrong with you?" That's how standard that is; you can flip Trump and Clinton, Clinton and Trump, and their supporters feel that certain. Trump may be a good man who is running a sham campaign, but if you judge him just on what he's said I don't see how you can reach that conclusion. A devoted Republican friend of mine said one day "I wanted to do it, I wanted to talk myself in to him, but then he said positive things about Saddam and I just can't do it." Clinton? She can't seem to be willing to be honest with people. She takes small things and makes them into huge issues simply because she won't be honest and real. Who knows if there's a big conspiracy behind her? None of us do. But her unwillingness or inability to be real about whatever has gone on makes it look like she's covering something big up. Who can blame people for not trusting her? But our country is so polarized politically that you either line up as a Republican or a Democrat, a conservative or liberal, and you better never cross that line or else. We don't allow for real political discourse anymore. We have our handful of priorities, and most of us refuse to consider another person's point of view. And that is sad, and in my opinion it is beyond concerning.

I try to reason all these things out. I don't see how anyone can be totally committed to either side. And perhaps that's why I haven't been writing. The more I find out, the less that I know. I'm not that sure anymore.